Wedding
PuraVida Post 29
Our son got married this month.
Let me say that again: our son got married this month.
I suppose one could make the usual jokes about getting older, that marriages and funerals are basically the same thing, about finally getting the kid out of the house. But that would be unkind, unfair, and untrue. Instead, weddings are moments for reflection that allow opportunities to see yourself through other’s eyes and that ultimately, allowed me to know myself a little better.
A joyous, chaotic, stressful event certainly, and a ritual that takes place daily. Weddings are so common in fact, their frequency renders them almost ordinary. But a gathering of friends, lovers, and families joining in solidarity to mark and witness the passage into, what one hopes, is a lifelong commitment is anything but commonplace.
Gabo and Mariana met four years ago, during the pandemic. A fraught time for him, he had just moved home from university as the shutdown forced classes to go online and the campus emptied out. I had the sense that Gabo was aimless, and restless, as moving back into his parents’ house had not been part of his plan.
Somehow, though, he managed to maintain a life, eventually graduating, learning to fly small airplanes, and landing a fulfilling job. And he met a lovely Mexican woman who lived near us. Their love affair began through a chance meeting in a bar (an ironic twist in this age of dating apps), then long walks with our dogs, strolls along the Potomac, and the occasional “real” date. In other words, an actual courtship.
Mariana worked as an au pair, taking care of three young children for a family who lived nearby. Meeting her for the first time, we were impressed (actually, dazzled) by her what I can only describe as sparkle. She spoke with confidence, a slight and charming Spanish accent, a smile constantly dancing on her lips. And though slight in stature, her beauty instantly commanded the room.
An anthropologist by training, I remember the academic definitions of marriage across varying cultures: an economic arrangement between families, a man taking possession of a woman, the cementing of political alliances, or simply the sanctioning of procreation. Rarely was the concept of love a factor in determining a marriage.
George Bernard Shaw said of love and marriage, “[it is] the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions. They are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.” Indeed, though humans have been falling in love for millennia only rarely has that bond of intimacy, trust, and care formed the basis for a marriage. Love as a basis for marriage may not be a Western invention (as most scholars now agree), but it is relatively historically recent.
So, what am I to make of this marriage between Mariana and Gabo? Perhaps their union encompasses the totality of a marriage’s meaning: the blending of Gabo’s family and Mariana’s extended clan with whom Joscelyn, Wilson, and I now share an economic and cultural bond. Gabo certainly does not “possess” Mariana but rather the roots of their respective genealogies will become so entwined they will forever belong to each other. And speaking of genealogies, one might assume that they plan on having kids but, hey, no pressure! But clearly and foremost, theirs is a marriage based on love, as anybody who’s been around them for more than 30 seconds will instantly understand.
The Band sang that life is a carnival. The sentiment applies to marriage as well. Upon arrival to the fairgrounds, you’re dazzled by the excitement and wonder, the lights, passion, and music. As the initial novelty wears off though, you navigate through the thick of the carnival, at times participating in the festivities, occasionally taking breaks to catch your breath. Soon enough, you notice the packs of kids and teenagers around you, the other families, and you realize with a jolt that you’re more than an observer, you’re a participant. As the years pass, you eschew the roller coaster for the ferris wheel, bumper cars for tea cups, red hots for cotton candy. As the evening draws to a close though, you realize what fun it’s all been; through the good and the bad, the frightening and fun, the journey exhausting and exhilarating.
I’ll say it one more time: our son got married. Some might react in a way that bemoans the passage of time, of where did the years go, of what’s been lost. But I don’t regard it as a sign of advancing age or the passage of time but rather as confirmation that Joscelyn and I did something right. The work we did in our own marriage somehow resulted in a son who grew to become compassionate and caring, strong yet vulnerable, loving and funny. And as a result, we’ve gained a daughter, and a new family.
Believe it or not.
More later…
(All photographs @Mark Caicedo/PuraVida Photography)
Many felictaciones a todos. Congrats to them on their new life and you on the addition on this new member to your family.